Misfit

When someone is sad or has hurt feelings, the nice thing to do would be to comfort them. 

Lately I've had a lot of hurt feelings. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but it happens. And I'm sick of everyone retaliating to my hurt feelings with hatred and harsh words. 

It just sucks. 

I can't really find a place to get solace from this darkness. I feel like these hurt feelings consume me and I'm slipping. Slipping from what? I don't know. Happiness? I definitely don't feel as happy as I used to. I cry a lot. Ellyse is nice to me, but I don't think she understands really. I've tried to bring up some problems I've had and she doesn't really get it. My parents aren't much help. I feel like I can't really talk to them fully about how I feel. Riley helps sometimes, but again, he doesn't totally understand. 

I'm feeling really out of place in my ward, especially young women's. I just do not fit in anywhere. There's the girls that just talk and text the whole time, then there's some girls who are nice and I'm friends with, but they have their own friends in young women's. Then there's me. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm a new person in this ward and everyone's already settled and they don't want change. Only a little while longer until I can go to Relief Society. 

For now, I guess I'll just push through the hard days full of tears, and rejoice in the happy days. I'll keep looking for a good resting place. 

Fixing the Broken Pieces

So, I have this friend. A couple years ago, his friendship meant more than the world to me. I would've done anything for him. And then, something happened. Our friendship fell apart and my heart was torn into pieces. It took me a long time to really let him leave my mind and feel at peace. About 3 months ago, he reached out to me and apologized. It was so awesome to know that he didn't resent me anymore.

For the past couple of weeks, I kept having this thought that I needed to get together with my friend and just talk. I didn't know how exactly I would go about it, but I wanted to do it. I figured I would just text him, but that's pretty lame. I'd rather ask in person. He got his mission call a while ago and his farewell was this past Sunday. At first, I was positive I wasn't going to go. I still had some bitter feelings and wasn't prepared to face him. After a little thinking, I realized that this would be the perfect opportunity to talk to him. So I went. I brought another friend for some moral support, and I was really nervous. Like, really nervous. I hadn't talked with him face to face in over a year. But I went for it! I took the risk and made the leap of faith. I walked up to him afterwards and told him that his talk was great, which it totally was, and that I'm proud of him. And then I told him that I wanted to get together and talk. He agreed! Whew. So now to actually do it!

We ended up going to get ice cream at Freddy's and talking just like I wanted to. It was so great. We didn't talk about our past troubles together, we just talked about school and life after school et cetera. It was so great. Although, before I picked him up, I was terrified. I was even second guessing myself and debating going back home and never talking to him again. Obviously I didn't go through with it. I still talked to him even though I was shaking the whole time. (It didn't help that we were eating ice cream on a not-very-hot Arizona day) Hopefully he didn't notice. 

After I went home, I was surprised at how happy I was to finally have closure on the situation. It's so nice to have him back in my life. He's such a great guy and I'm so happy to be able to talk to him again with no hard feelings in the way. 

Broken friendships suck and I am so relieved to be able to fix at least one. Caleb was once my best friend and although he isn't my best friend again, I still consider us pretty good friends. Our friendship isn't perfect, but it's a good start. There will always be a small awkward bubble around because of what's happened between us, but it's easy to overlook. 

My mom once told me that when a glass cup breaks, the broken pieces that are still sharp can be put back together pretty well with few cracks that aren't very noticeable. If you wait a while to fix it, the pieces will become dull and the cup won't ever be perfect like it was before, even if the pieces are put back. I know that mine and Caleb's friendship has holes in it, but at least it's fixed. And that makes me happy. 

Love,

Emmalee

Love At Home

1. 1. There is beauty all around.
   When there's love at home;
   There is joy in ev'ry sound
   When there's love at home.
   Peace and plenty here abide,
   Smiling sweet on ev'ry side.
   Time doth softly, sweetly glide
   When there's love at home.
   Love at home, love at home;
   Time doth softly, sweetly glide
   When there's love at home.
2. 2. In the cottage there is joy
   When there's love at home;
   Hate and envy ne'er annoy
   When there's love at home.
   Roses bloom beneath our feet;
   All the earth's a garden sweet,
   Making life a bliss complete
   When there's love at home.
   Love at home, love at home;
   Making life a bliss complete
   When there's love at home.
3. 3. Kindly heaven smiles above
   When there's love at home;
   All the world is filled with love
   When there's love at home.
   Sweeter sings the brooklet by;
   Brighter beams the azure sky.
   Oh, there's One who smiles on high
   When there's love at home.
   Love at home, love at home;
   Oh, there's One who smiles on high
   When there's love at home.

This song tells you the promises you receive when there's love at home, but it doesn't tell you how to have love at home.

So, what do you do when there isn't love at home? 

I don't know.

Lately I've had a hard time trying to connect with my siblings. I thought it would be easier with Jordan home from his mission and Jacob married, but it's not. Not to mention the relationship I crave to have with my sister-in-law. I just feel like all three of them treat me as if I'm the annoying younger sister I was 5 years ago. But that's not me anymore. I can handle mature conversations. I like to sit around and talk with the adults. I want to be invited to hang out with them. But when I ask to do anything with them, I get knocked down lower and lower with every time I try. 

I want to love my family deeper. I so badly crave the family relationship I see in other families. I want to be able to trust my brothers with my feelings instead of getting stepped on. I want to sit down and have fun with my parents and my siblings. I don't want to see my younger siblings as annoying. 

I want to try harder. I'm not the peacemaker in the family, but I try. I try to have a relationship with my younger siblings, but most of the time, they just push me around. I turn to my friends more than I should to escape the contentious feelings in my home, leaving my family to feel abandoned. 

Right now, it's hard. But I know that it will all work out. Just because I'm having a hard time building relationships doesn't mean that my siblings are. My older brothers have a great bond together. Just because my interactions with my younger siblings usually end in some sort of fight doesn't mean that it will be like that forever. Even though we struggle to keep the Spirit in our home on Sundays doesn't mean that my younger siblings will never have a spiritually uplifting Sabbath Day. 

I worry about my family and I pray for them. As long as I keep trying and living righteously, I know that everything will work out. Not now, but in the end. Eternally, we will be happy. Until then, try your hardest and be your best.

Love,

Emmalee