Happy

What a whirlwind of a week, and it's only Thursday!

Quick update because life is always changing:
-I moved out of my parents house! Super random (but very well placed thanks to the Big Guy), but on my YSA ward's (which I hadn't actually transferred my records over to at the time) Facebook page, someone posted looking for a roommate. So I contacted her and went ahead and met her and the other roomie, and long story short, I knew Heavenly Father needed me to spread my wings and leave the nest! I've lived with my 2 roommates, only 15 minutes away from Mom & Dad, for two weeks now. And I love life! The Singles Ward is treating me great, and I'm really happy where I'm at.

My roommates! Heather, Lorrie, & I went and saw Beauty & the Beast!

Heather & I at an ASU baseball game! (She doesn't always pose like this, I promise)

So over the summer, I remember having this long phone call with Ellyse, probably around July. We talked about the future, and how specifically both of us had decided (through different circumstances) that we probably weren't gonna serve missions. Then we talked about how both of us were thinking about the temple and how the church has gotten less strict with letting girls go through for their own endowment. It used to be that you had to have a mission call or were getting married or were over the age of 26 or something to go through for yourself. Nowadays, you can start thinking about the temple even if those 3 specific circumstances don't apply to you.
After that talk we had, I kinda tucked away into the back of my mind the thought of going through the temple for myself, to save for when I felt ready. December comes and I am not doing great spiritually. I made it a goal for myself to work towards the temple so I could be better spiritually. I started a temple prep class in January and I never took all the lessons consecutively, but I got pretty much all the lessons in, before other callings took over my 2nd hour block at church. A couple weeks into February, I had a distinct thought to schedule an interview with Bishop Tanner about the temple. I talked with him, and by the end of the day, I had a temple recommend to take to the stake president to sign. I met with President Oakes the week after and was officially ready to 'legally' step foot into the temple beyond that front recommend desk. And of course I got my temple recommend signed the Sunday before the Gilbert temple closed for 2 weeks for maintenance. I called 2 weeks later and scheduled my endowment session for March 14 so my brother and his wife who live in Tucson could come. I love my extended family, and they were invited too, but the ones I really cared about coming were my parents and my 2 older brothers with their wives.
So the day came and I was able to go through the Gilbert temple and receive my own endowment this past Tuesday! What an amazing experience. I loved every second of it. I tried to soak in as much information as I could, but there's a lot to take in! I had worried the weeks leading up to this that I wasn't ready or that I was misinterpreting promptings from the Lord about the temple, but as soon as that session started, it just felt right. I've felt plenty of different things when feeling the Spirit, but never like this. I've felt bouncing-off-the-walls happy, peaceful, and content, but never like I felt in the temple. Everything I'd been doing in my life was leading up to this point when everything was just simply right. I definitely didn't understand everything, but I'm so excited to keep going back. I'm excited to learn more about the covenants made and the symbolism shown. And I'm excited to one day come with my future husband to get married there. Do yourself a favor and make the temple your goal because it is SO worth it, I can promise you.

The day after this amazing experience, my family and I were able to go with my sister to receive her patriarchal blessing. It is so cool to get a small glimpse of how much potential she has! There are many things in her blessing that astound me and make me feel so much more love for that girl. I am so thankful that she is my sister.

As hard as the last 8 months have been since I graduated, I am so happy with where I'm at right now. It's taken a lot to get to this point, but I'm so grateful for the trials that have strengthened me and the friends that have lifted me up. I'm ready to see what else the Lord has planned for my life.

"One day we're gonna come back and laugh at it all. One day we'll look at the past with love."

Update?

It's been a while. My last blog post as over a year ago. Sorry about that.

It's been a rough year, to say the least. I graduated high school, started college, got my first job, became an aunt. What a whirlwind.

My sister-in-law gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Ryder Allen Flake, last Valentine's Day. We're about to celebrate this spoiled boy's 1st birthday!

I've been working at Lifetime Leather Co since last April, although it's been pretty slow that last month since Christmas ended, so I haven't been working nearly as much.

I graduated in the top 10% in my class from Combs High School. I have a scholarship to a nearby community college so I'm currently attending CAC, and planning on transferring to ASU to major in Music Therapy.

I have a few different friends on missions that I'm writing (okay, I consistently write a select few, but I get like 6 different emails every week from various missionaries). I don't turn 19 until this upcoming August, so I'm still in the midst of deciding on whether I should serve a mission myself or not.

No, I'm not engaged or even close to it.

All of these big life events haven't been the reason for the struggles of this year, though. I try not to burden too many people with internal struggles I have, so only a couple friends and my mom really know that I've had a hard time these past 4 months or so. Even then, they don't know the extent. I'm sure that every post-high school student feels something similar to what I've felt. I've seen it in some close friends that graduated prior to me. Almost a feeling a helplessness and a loss of direction seems to plague those that have recently graduated or moved on from a big part of their lives. And maybe that's all it was, but I feel like it was more. I felt lost. Still living at home, people asking me often whether I was serving a mission or getting married or even rushing me to do something with my life. There was about a month straight where I felt so disconnected from those around me. I stopped reaching out to my friends and family and I didn't feel happy. I still can't find why this happened when it did, and it also happened around the same time a year before.I doubted how true my friendships were, I wasn't reading my scriptures as intently, and I wasn't sincerely praying. I would still read and pray daily, but it didn't feel like anything helped. I still attended the temple, but felt pretty numb. My coworkers were pretty terrible, especially towards me, and I ended up taking it personal. (Don't ever take things personal) I'm not positive what actually snapped me out of this depressed phase, but i know that I'm happier! What I find interesting is that the very week that I realized that I'd started feeling happier, one of my missionary friends (who I'd just love to get to know better after his mission) confided in me that he had been struggling with a bad bout of depression and that he'd finally recognized himself coming out of that. I highly doubt that this was a coincidence! (thanks Big Guy) Call me crazy, but things like that email from my friend and other small tender mercies help so much when life comes at you strong.

Point is, I'm doing so much better now. I'm not nearly as close with friends as I used to be, but I'm so much closer with my sister-in-law, Tatum and my sister, Elizabeth and I am so happy right now. They are so good to me and I love to be with them.

I'm probably not even going to publish this post, but at least I'll have this for if I marry my missionary, right?




"Your needs are known. You're not alone."

Pine Cones & Philosophy

So my friend went to Utah over Christmas and brought me back a pine cone. I think pine cones are really cool, I've always been fascinated by them. What I didn't realize is that they open up to release seeds. (Here's what I found about that) If you get them wet, they'll close up again. (And smell really good, like pine trees) It's not like you can open or close them yourself, though. You can't force the pine cone to do something it's not ready to do. When I first realized it was opening up, I tried to close it, but it wouldn't move. If I tried too hard, I would break the pine cone.

The pine cone after it opened up.

The pine cone after I got it wet, starting to close up.

It closed up completely.

I'm in a pretty philosophical mood, and here's what I've concluded observing this pine cone:

We are pine cones.

We grow and blossom into these unique personalities with potential to be great. But we need to open up first to let our talents grow and help others. The circumstances around us can help us to open up (like how the weather helps determine when a pine cone opens) but ultimately, we determine when we want to open up. No one can force us to open up, no one can push us to do something we're not ready for. We open when we're ready, we share our personalities, our talents, our selves when we're ready to. And once we open up, no one can force us to close. Trials may come that cause us to close up, (like when a pine cone gets wet) but even we determine how and when we close up. 

While this pine cone is opening and closing, some things will always be constant, like the sun. The sun is always there to help this little guy dry out and open back up. There may be times where the sun seems to be gone, or covered by clouds, but it's always there.

The Savior is constant, just like the sun. He may seem absent in times of trouble, but in all reality, He is even closer to us during the hard times. He is always ready and willing to help us if we can just turn ourselves to Him. A pine cone isn't going to get the nutrients it needs from the sun unless it turns and faces the sun.

Which way do you face?

I can't force you to open up, but I can help you, if you're willing to listen. I want to give you some advice:

Look to Christ. He is our light, our beacon of hope. When you're ready to close yourself and feel a desire to give up, to stop going, remember who can help you open back up. The Savior will always be there for us, no matter what we've done, no matter where we've been, it does not matter.

He is simply always there.

Remember that no one can control what you do, but you're still accountable for what you choose. The Savior will always be on your side. He is your advocate and He will always love you.

Don't forget what's most important.

Love,
Emmalee

A New Perspective on Forgiveness

To forgive or not to forgive? That is the question. 

Life is hard. And awkward. Sometimes, when life gives you an awkward situation, you want to ignore it. You want to run away. When someone is hurtful, you may just want to hold grudges. That's the easy way out, right?

Wrong. 

That is not The Lord's way. He wants us to forgive. 

I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. -D&C 64:10

"But that's so hard, it's so much easier to just ignore them!" 

Life is hard. But you're tough, and you can do hard things! When someone is mean to you, acts selfish, treats you poorly, maybe even holds a grudge against you, do what the Savior would do. He lived His whole entire life dealing with imperfect people treating Him like utter garbage. What did He do? He loved them. Simple as that. He served them, He loved them, He prayed for them, He cared for them. It's so simple, yet it's hardly ever seen. Love can be so easily given, but it's more often taken rather than given. 

When you hold a grudge or act bitter towards someone or something, it may seem easy at first, but in the long run, that's what hurts you the most. You hold onto the anger and sadness and it the guilt just beasts you away. When you forgive and forget, the relief is almost instantaneous. 

Story time. 

My oldest brother dated a girl all throughout high school. They planned to get married when he returned from his mission. We all fell in love with her family and became good friends. Everything was going well until the last couple months of his mission. Little did we know that she had found someone else and planned to marry him. She didn't tell my brother until he got home from his mission. That was rough, especially on me. I had lost the only girl that I had ever felt a close older sister bond with. I was bitter. I resented her. I couldn't stand to see their wedding pictures when she married the boy that stole her from my brother. I was so upset. It's been a few months since their wedding, and today I went to a friend's mission farewell. Well, lo and behold, guess who was sitting behind me? Yep. The girl who betrayed me. I couldn't believe it. Her father-in-law was the stake president and lived in the ward I was attending. My heart started racing and I was careful as to not turn around. Then I felt hypocritical. I had just listened to my good friend give a great talk about the Savior and the healing power of the Atonement and here I was resenting this girl for following her heart. What the heck am I doing?! I needed some humility, that's for sure. So I resolved to go talk to her after sacrament meeting was over. I would go up to her and give her a hug and tell her hello. That's it. Simple as that. Or maybe not as simple as I thought. The meeting went way over time, with the last speaker, her father-in-law, ending 20 minutes later than usual and singing all 4 verses of Come, Come Ye Saints, I felt like I would sit there forever. But, alas, the closing prayer ended with an Amen and I stood up to venture over to the girl who seemed to be my enemy. I could feel the tears rushing to my eyes before she even noticed me. She was turned around talking to someone so I awkwardly tapped her arm. Before I knew what I was doing, I pulled her up into a hug. I stared tearing up big time as she realized what was happening. I willed the tears to stay put so I wouldn't ruin my makeup (I had more places to go, more people to see!) and I started talking to her and her husband. I honestly don't even know what the heck I said, all I know is that she probably thought something was wrong with me. We talked for a little bit and I made sure she knew I was okay and I rushed off to make sure my makeup wasn't horrendous. With my eyes still red, I made my way to my missionary-to-be friend, mingled for a little bit, and left for another farewell. All I know for sure is that now I feel relieved. I feel free. I don't resent her. I've learned to let go what I can't change. I was only hurting myself by avoiding her. Even my own brother, the boy whose heart she broke, had forgiven her and moved on. I can even friend her on Facebook again! 

I know that the Savior is so incredibly happy that I was able to move past my fears and doubts and fully forgiven another child of God. I don't know all of the circumstances that led up to that point, but it's definitely not my place to hold a grudge against her, or anyone for that matter. 

I feel happy knowing that I have shown forgiveness even when I thought forgiveness wasn't deserved. Heavenly Father wants peace between His children, and I want to work hard to keep that peace between me and as many people as I can. 

Love,

Emmalee

Misfit

When someone is sad or has hurt feelings, the nice thing to do would be to comfort them. 

Lately I've had a lot of hurt feelings. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but it happens. And I'm sick of everyone retaliating to my hurt feelings with hatred and harsh words. 

It just sucks. 

I can't really find a place to get solace from this darkness. I feel like these hurt feelings consume me and I'm slipping. Slipping from what? I don't know. Happiness? I definitely don't feel as happy as I used to. I cry a lot. Ellyse is nice to me, but I don't think she understands really. I've tried to bring up some problems I've had and she doesn't really get it. My parents aren't much help. I feel like I can't really talk to them fully about how I feel. Riley helps sometimes, but again, he doesn't totally understand. 

I'm feeling really out of place in my ward, especially young women's. I just do not fit in anywhere. There's the girls that just talk and text the whole time, then there's some girls who are nice and I'm friends with, but they have their own friends in young women's. Then there's me. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm a new person in this ward and everyone's already settled and they don't want change. Only a little while longer until I can go to Relief Society. 

For now, I guess I'll just push through the hard days full of tears, and rejoice in the happy days. I'll keep looking for a good resting place. 

Fixing the Broken Pieces

So, I have this friend. A couple years ago, his friendship meant more than the world to me. I would've done anything for him. And then, something happened. Our friendship fell apart and my heart was torn into pieces. It took me a long time to really let him leave my mind and feel at peace. About 3 months ago, he reached out to me and apologized. It was so awesome to know that he didn't resent me anymore.

For the past couple of weeks, I kept having this thought that I needed to get together with my friend and just talk. I didn't know how exactly I would go about it, but I wanted to do it. I figured I would just text him, but that's pretty lame. I'd rather ask in person. He got his mission call a while ago and his farewell was this past Sunday. At first, I was positive I wasn't going to go. I still had some bitter feelings and wasn't prepared to face him. After a little thinking, I realized that this would be the perfect opportunity to talk to him. So I went. I brought another friend for some moral support, and I was really nervous. Like, really nervous. I hadn't talked with him face to face in over a year. But I went for it! I took the risk and made the leap of faith. I walked up to him afterwards and told him that his talk was great, which it totally was, and that I'm proud of him. And then I told him that I wanted to get together and talk. He agreed! Whew. So now to actually do it!

We ended up going to get ice cream at Freddy's and talking just like I wanted to. It was so great. We didn't talk about our past troubles together, we just talked about school and life after school et cetera. It was so great. Although, before I picked him up, I was terrified. I was even second guessing myself and debating going back home and never talking to him again. Obviously I didn't go through with it. I still talked to him even though I was shaking the whole time. (It didn't help that we were eating ice cream on a not-very-hot Arizona day) Hopefully he didn't notice. 

After I went home, I was surprised at how happy I was to finally have closure on the situation. It's so nice to have him back in my life. He's such a great guy and I'm so happy to be able to talk to him again with no hard feelings in the way. 

Broken friendships suck and I am so relieved to be able to fix at least one. Caleb was once my best friend and although he isn't my best friend again, I still consider us pretty good friends. Our friendship isn't perfect, but it's a good start. There will always be a small awkward bubble around because of what's happened between us, but it's easy to overlook. 

My mom once told me that when a glass cup breaks, the broken pieces that are still sharp can be put back together pretty well with few cracks that aren't very noticeable. If you wait a while to fix it, the pieces will become dull and the cup won't ever be perfect like it was before, even if the pieces are put back. I know that mine and Caleb's friendship has holes in it, but at least it's fixed. And that makes me happy. 

Love,

Emmalee

Love At Home

1. 1. There is beauty all around.
   When there's love at home;
   There is joy in ev'ry sound
   When there's love at home.
   Peace and plenty here abide,
   Smiling sweet on ev'ry side.
   Time doth softly, sweetly glide
   When there's love at home.
   Love at home, love at home;
   Time doth softly, sweetly glide
   When there's love at home.
2. 2. In the cottage there is joy
   When there's love at home;
   Hate and envy ne'er annoy
   When there's love at home.
   Roses bloom beneath our feet;
   All the earth's a garden sweet,
   Making life a bliss complete
   When there's love at home.
   Love at home, love at home;
   Making life a bliss complete
   When there's love at home.
3. 3. Kindly heaven smiles above
   When there's love at home;
   All the world is filled with love
   When there's love at home.
   Sweeter sings the brooklet by;
   Brighter beams the azure sky.
   Oh, there's One who smiles on high
   When there's love at home.
   Love at home, love at home;
   Oh, there's One who smiles on high
   When there's love at home.

This song tells you the promises you receive when there's love at home, but it doesn't tell you how to have love at home.

So, what do you do when there isn't love at home? 

I don't know.

Lately I've had a hard time trying to connect with my siblings. I thought it would be easier with Jordan home from his mission and Jacob married, but it's not. Not to mention the relationship I crave to have with my sister-in-law. I just feel like all three of them treat me as if I'm the annoying younger sister I was 5 years ago. But that's not me anymore. I can handle mature conversations. I like to sit around and talk with the adults. I want to be invited to hang out with them. But when I ask to do anything with them, I get knocked down lower and lower with every time I try. 

I want to love my family deeper. I so badly crave the family relationship I see in other families. I want to be able to trust my brothers with my feelings instead of getting stepped on. I want to sit down and have fun with my parents and my siblings. I don't want to see my younger siblings as annoying. 

I want to try harder. I'm not the peacemaker in the family, but I try. I try to have a relationship with my younger siblings, but most of the time, they just push me around. I turn to my friends more than I should to escape the contentious feelings in my home, leaving my family to feel abandoned. 

Right now, it's hard. But I know that it will all work out. Just because I'm having a hard time building relationships doesn't mean that my siblings are. My older brothers have a great bond together. Just because my interactions with my younger siblings usually end in some sort of fight doesn't mean that it will be like that forever. Even though we struggle to keep the Spirit in our home on Sundays doesn't mean that my younger siblings will never have a spiritually uplifting Sabbath Day. 

I worry about my family and I pray for them. As long as I keep trying and living righteously, I know that everything will work out. Not now, but in the end. Eternally, we will be happy. Until then, try your hardest and be your best.

Love,

Emmalee