Pine Cones & Philosophy

So my friend went to Utah over Christmas and brought me back a pine cone. I think pine cones are really cool, I've always been fascinated by them. What I didn't realize is that they open up to release seeds. (Here's what I found about that) If you get them wet, they'll close up again. (And smell really good, like pine trees) It's not like you can open or close them yourself, though. You can't force the pine cone to do something it's not ready to do. When I first realized it was opening up, I tried to close it, but it wouldn't move. If I tried too hard, I would break the pine cone.

The pine cone after it opened up.

The pine cone after I got it wet, starting to close up.

It closed up completely.

I'm in a pretty philosophical mood, and here's what I've concluded observing this pine cone:

We are pine cones.

We grow and blossom into these unique personalities with potential to be great. But we need to open up first to let our talents grow and help others. The circumstances around us can help us to open up (like how the weather helps determine when a pine cone opens) but ultimately, we determine when we want to open up. No one can force us to open up, no one can push us to do something we're not ready for. We open when we're ready, we share our personalities, our talents, our selves when we're ready to. And once we open up, no one can force us to close. Trials may come that cause us to close up, (like when a pine cone gets wet) but even we determine how and when we close up. 

While this pine cone is opening and closing, some things will always be constant, like the sun. The sun is always there to help this little guy dry out and open back up. There may be times where the sun seems to be gone, or covered by clouds, but it's always there.

The Savior is constant, just like the sun. He may seem absent in times of trouble, but in all reality, He is even closer to us during the hard times. He is always ready and willing to help us if we can just turn ourselves to Him. A pine cone isn't going to get the nutrients it needs from the sun unless it turns and faces the sun.

Which way do you face?

I can't force you to open up, but I can help you, if you're willing to listen. I want to give you some advice:

Look to Christ. He is our light, our beacon of hope. When you're ready to close yourself and feel a desire to give up, to stop going, remember who can help you open back up. The Savior will always be there for us, no matter what we've done, no matter where we've been, it does not matter.

He is simply always there.

Remember that no one can control what you do, but you're still accountable for what you choose. The Savior will always be on your side. He is your advocate and He will always love you.

Don't forget what's most important.

Love,
Emmalee

A New Perspective on Forgiveness

To forgive or not to forgive? That is the question. 

Life is hard. And awkward. Sometimes, when life gives you an awkward situation, you want to ignore it. You want to run away. When someone is hurtful, you may just want to hold grudges. That's the easy way out, right?

Wrong. 

That is not The Lord's way. He wants us to forgive. 

I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. -D&C 64:10

"But that's so hard, it's so much easier to just ignore them!" 

Life is hard. But you're tough, and you can do hard things! When someone is mean to you, acts selfish, treats you poorly, maybe even holds a grudge against you, do what the Savior would do. He lived His whole entire life dealing with imperfect people treating Him like utter garbage. What did He do? He loved them. Simple as that. He served them, He loved them, He prayed for them, He cared for them. It's so simple, yet it's hardly ever seen. Love can be so easily given, but it's more often taken rather than given. 

When you hold a grudge or act bitter towards someone or something, it may seem easy at first, but in the long run, that's what hurts you the most. You hold onto the anger and sadness and it the guilt just beasts you away. When you forgive and forget, the relief is almost instantaneous. 

Story time. 

My oldest brother dated a girl all throughout high school. They planned to get married when he returned from his mission. We all fell in love with her family and became good friends. Everything was going well until the last couple months of his mission. Little did we know that she had found someone else and planned to marry him. She didn't tell my brother until he got home from his mission. That was rough, especially on me. I had lost the only girl that I had ever felt a close older sister bond with. I was bitter. I resented her. I couldn't stand to see their wedding pictures when she married the boy that stole her from my brother. I was so upset. It's been a few months since their wedding, and today I went to a friend's mission farewell. Well, lo and behold, guess who was sitting behind me? Yep. The girl who betrayed me. I couldn't believe it. Her father-in-law was the stake president and lived in the ward I was attending. My heart started racing and I was careful as to not turn around. Then I felt hypocritical. I had just listened to my good friend give a great talk about the Savior and the healing power of the Atonement and here I was resenting this girl for following her heart. What the heck am I doing?! I needed some humility, that's for sure. So I resolved to go talk to her after sacrament meeting was over. I would go up to her and give her a hug and tell her hello. That's it. Simple as that. Or maybe not as simple as I thought. The meeting went way over time, with the last speaker, her father-in-law, ending 20 minutes later than usual and singing all 4 verses of Come, Come Ye Saints, I felt like I would sit there forever. But, alas, the closing prayer ended with an Amen and I stood up to venture over to the girl who seemed to be my enemy. I could feel the tears rushing to my eyes before she even noticed me. She was turned around talking to someone so I awkwardly tapped her arm. Before I knew what I was doing, I pulled her up into a hug. I stared tearing up big time as she realized what was happening. I willed the tears to stay put so I wouldn't ruin my makeup (I had more places to go, more people to see!) and I started talking to her and her husband. I honestly don't even know what the heck I said, all I know is that she probably thought something was wrong with me. We talked for a little bit and I made sure she knew I was okay and I rushed off to make sure my makeup wasn't horrendous. With my eyes still red, I made my way to my missionary-to-be friend, mingled for a little bit, and left for another farewell. All I know for sure is that now I feel relieved. I feel free. I don't resent her. I've learned to let go what I can't change. I was only hurting myself by avoiding her. Even my own brother, the boy whose heart she broke, had forgiven her and moved on. I can even friend her on Facebook again! 

I know that the Savior is so incredibly happy that I was able to move past my fears and doubts and fully forgiven another child of God. I don't know all of the circumstances that led up to that point, but it's definitely not my place to hold a grudge against her, or anyone for that matter. 

I feel happy knowing that I have shown forgiveness even when I thought forgiveness wasn't deserved. Heavenly Father wants peace between His children, and I want to work hard to keep that peace between me and as many people as I can. 

Love,

Emmalee

Misfit

When someone is sad or has hurt feelings, the nice thing to do would be to comfort them. 

Lately I've had a lot of hurt feelings. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but it happens. And I'm sick of everyone retaliating to my hurt feelings with hatred and harsh words. 

It just sucks. 

I can't really find a place to get solace from this darkness. I feel like these hurt feelings consume me and I'm slipping. Slipping from what? I don't know. Happiness? I definitely don't feel as happy as I used to. I cry a lot. Ellyse is nice to me, but I don't think she understands really. I've tried to bring up some problems I've had and she doesn't really get it. My parents aren't much help. I feel like I can't really talk to them fully about how I feel. Riley helps sometimes, but again, he doesn't totally understand. 

I'm feeling really out of place in my ward, especially young women's. I just do not fit in anywhere. There's the girls that just talk and text the whole time, then there's some girls who are nice and I'm friends with, but they have their own friends in young women's. Then there's me. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm a new person in this ward and everyone's already settled and they don't want change. Only a little while longer until I can go to Relief Society. 

For now, I guess I'll just push through the hard days full of tears, and rejoice in the happy days. I'll keep looking for a good resting place. 

Fixing the Broken Pieces

So, I have this friend. A couple years ago, his friendship meant more than the world to me. I would've done anything for him. And then, something happened. Our friendship fell apart and my heart was torn into pieces. It took me a long time to really let him leave my mind and feel at peace. About 3 months ago, he reached out to me and apologized. It was so awesome to know that he didn't resent me anymore.

For the past couple of weeks, I kept having this thought that I needed to get together with my friend and just talk. I didn't know how exactly I would go about it, but I wanted to do it. I figured I would just text him, but that's pretty lame. I'd rather ask in person. He got his mission call a while ago and his farewell was this past Sunday. At first, I was positive I wasn't going to go. I still had some bitter feelings and wasn't prepared to face him. After a little thinking, I realized that this would be the perfect opportunity to talk to him. So I went. I brought another friend for some moral support, and I was really nervous. Like, really nervous. I hadn't talked with him face to face in over a year. But I went for it! I took the risk and made the leap of faith. I walked up to him afterwards and told him that his talk was great, which it totally was, and that I'm proud of him. And then I told him that I wanted to get together and talk. He agreed! Whew. So now to actually do it!

We ended up going to get ice cream at Freddy's and talking just like I wanted to. It was so great. We didn't talk about our past troubles together, we just talked about school and life after school et cetera. It was so great. Although, before I picked him up, I was terrified. I was even second guessing myself and debating going back home and never talking to him again. Obviously I didn't go through with it. I still talked to him even though I was shaking the whole time. (It didn't help that we were eating ice cream on a not-very-hot Arizona day) Hopefully he didn't notice. 

After I went home, I was surprised at how happy I was to finally have closure on the situation. It's so nice to have him back in my life. He's such a great guy and I'm so happy to be able to talk to him again with no hard feelings in the way. 

Broken friendships suck and I am so relieved to be able to fix at least one. Caleb was once my best friend and although he isn't my best friend again, I still consider us pretty good friends. Our friendship isn't perfect, but it's a good start. There will always be a small awkward bubble around because of what's happened between us, but it's easy to overlook. 

My mom once told me that when a glass cup breaks, the broken pieces that are still sharp can be put back together pretty well with few cracks that aren't very noticeable. If you wait a while to fix it, the pieces will become dull and the cup won't ever be perfect like it was before, even if the pieces are put back. I know that mine and Caleb's friendship has holes in it, but at least it's fixed. And that makes me happy. 

Love,

Emmalee

Love At Home

1. 1. There is beauty all around.
   When there's love at home;
   There is joy in ev'ry sound
   When there's love at home.
   Peace and plenty here abide,
   Smiling sweet on ev'ry side.
   Time doth softly, sweetly glide
   When there's love at home.
   Love at home, love at home;
   Time doth softly, sweetly glide
   When there's love at home.
2. 2. In the cottage there is joy
   When there's love at home;
   Hate and envy ne'er annoy
   When there's love at home.
   Roses bloom beneath our feet;
   All the earth's a garden sweet,
   Making life a bliss complete
   When there's love at home.
   Love at home, love at home;
   Making life a bliss complete
   When there's love at home.
3. 3. Kindly heaven smiles above
   When there's love at home;
   All the world is filled with love
   When there's love at home.
   Sweeter sings the brooklet by;
   Brighter beams the azure sky.
   Oh, there's One who smiles on high
   When there's love at home.
   Love at home, love at home;
   Oh, there's One who smiles on high
   When there's love at home.

This song tells you the promises you receive when there's love at home, but it doesn't tell you how to have love at home.

So, what do you do when there isn't love at home? 

I don't know.

Lately I've had a hard time trying to connect with my siblings. I thought it would be easier with Jordan home from his mission and Jacob married, but it's not. Not to mention the relationship I crave to have with my sister-in-law. I just feel like all three of them treat me as if I'm the annoying younger sister I was 5 years ago. But that's not me anymore. I can handle mature conversations. I like to sit around and talk with the adults. I want to be invited to hang out with them. But when I ask to do anything with them, I get knocked down lower and lower with every time I try. 

I want to love my family deeper. I so badly crave the family relationship I see in other families. I want to be able to trust my brothers with my feelings instead of getting stepped on. I want to sit down and have fun with my parents and my siblings. I don't want to see my younger siblings as annoying. 

I want to try harder. I'm not the peacemaker in the family, but I try. I try to have a relationship with my younger siblings, but most of the time, they just push me around. I turn to my friends more than I should to escape the contentious feelings in my home, leaving my family to feel abandoned. 

Right now, it's hard. But I know that it will all work out. Just because I'm having a hard time building relationships doesn't mean that my siblings are. My older brothers have a great bond together. Just because my interactions with my younger siblings usually end in some sort of fight doesn't mean that it will be like that forever. Even though we struggle to keep the Spirit in our home on Sundays doesn't mean that my younger siblings will never have a spiritually uplifting Sabbath Day. 

I worry about my family and I pray for them. As long as I keep trying and living righteously, I know that everything will work out. Not now, but in the end. Eternally, we will be happy. Until then, try your hardest and be your best.

Love,

Emmalee

My Hawsome Friend

I have this friend.

Her name is Ellyse Haws.

She is so nice, generous, kind, sweet, everything I could ever ask for in a friend.

And she thinks I'm cool! That's a plus.

She's the 2nd best in the state in cosmetology; she's a wizard with hair.

We're a dynamic duo. I'm a spontaneous ball of energy and who-knows-what and she is a sassy, but tidy, ball of fun.

She has taught me how to love people and how to serve people.

She loves me because I am me.

I can tell her anything and she will listen. She helps me through the hard times.

She loves the Lord and loves going to the Temple with me.

She is adorable and the epitome of fabulous.

She is so wonderful.

And I love having her as my best friend. <3

I <3 you, Ellyse!

Love,

Emmalee

P.S. You can find her here: ellyseleighannhaws.blogspot.com

My Fight with Self-Esteem

Middle school is hard on a teenage girl. The urge to feel pretty and loved overtakes the urge to be smart about decisions. I didn't make too many stupid decisions in junior high, but I've definitely had my bouts with my self-esteem. Once I hit high school, I tried so hard to feel good about myself. Freshman year wasn't very kind to me. Sophomore year helped me come out of my shell and realize my true self. Junior year was fantastic. I have never felt better about myself.

A girl's self-esteem is attacked hardcore when she's vulnerable and naive and young. And still when she's older. But the fight is so hard. For the most part, I haven't ever struggled huge with my self worth. There was this one time in middle school when I was so down, I thought about what other people's lives would be without me. But I chickened out of suicidal thoughts, thankfully. I knew that my family loved me and would miss me. I am so grateful for young women leaders and friends and my mom for encouraging me to feel beautiful.

I've worn glasses since I was 6 years old, and I got contacts the summer before 8th grade. I've gone back and forth between contacts and glasses since then. This past school year I've worn mainly glasses, hiding my face. I would put on mascara sometimes to feel pretty. But last week, I went to the optometrist and refilled on contacts. As soon as I put the new contacts I realized that I am very flawed, especially in the facial region. I wanted to hide behind my big glasses immediately. I had pimples that my glasses would've hidden from the world. My eyelashes were short and stubby. My eyebrows were practically uneven and maybe even turning into a uni brow. My face was chubby. I had a glasses tan. I was insecure and didn't want the world to see my face. I was embarrassed. But what was I supposed to do at the eye doctor's office? I had to wait til I got home to do anything. 

It doesn't get better unless you decide yourself.

I have decided that I want to feel beautiful about myself, not just pretty. I know that I am special. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I have potential. I know that I am unique. I know that I am a daughter of God. 

But I feel beautiful because I know how to feel beautiful. I have found the right friends that treat me well. I try not to compare myself to other "prettier" girls, because I guarantee, they are insecure, too. Comparison is the thief of joy. It's hard some days, but only because I forget. I forget how loved I am and I forget how beautiful I can feel if I try. 

Love who you are. Love where you are. And be the person you were meant to be.

Love,
Emmalee

P.S. I think you are beautiful.